naive?

26 january 2007, fri, 1235am

how corrupt can our society be? VERY! VERY!

tat is wad i 'learnt' today! :-( rili made me felt soooo down! haha! so helpless. there is absolutely ntg u can do! my god! just because we did not "feed", my hardwork were all washed down the drain! rili made me felt sooooo dissapointed. of cos, i knew this kinda things happen but not to this extend! :-(

actually, i KNOW this kinda things happens way before today, but i guess i was too stubborn to accept the reality of this happening? or maybe, b4 this, it has noting much to do with me. or, wad... i duno. not so major, i gues? duno! somehow, tis rili affects me alot! it is MY project! :-( argh! so... i duno how to say! dissapointed? more than tat! wen i found out about tis, rili prayed to god tat i WILL NEVER be like tat... and rili prayed tat I WILL NEVER have to do tat. it is not only the person who receives is "polluted", but oso, the person who gives! haih... otherwise, it wud have been my third project! hmmmphhhh... :-(

wad can i do? nothing. i know, everyone wud be telling me, this is VERY normal, VERY common in our society today. and if u wan bsns to survive, tat is wad u do - many ppl tol me tat. i know. i oso know tat, if u dont follow the flow of the river, it means tat, ur going against it... and its gona be very very tiring a swim. and, many a time, u will feel like giving up and let urself just go with the flow. but right now, at this moment, i am still swimming against the current! i dont want to go with the flow! i refuse to! and i rili pray tat there WILL NOT be a day tat i will submit to the strength of the current! my gudness!

i was very very angry in fact. but i know its useless to show the anger. one more step to go, and we could have nailed the project in a CLEAN way. but the so-called 'holy', 'prayed-5-times-a-day' assistant somehow, got his own way of doing! fine! fine! i am soooooooooo very 'broken hearted'! haha....

y bother to go for ur prayers?! why do u even bother to fast?! wad on earth for!!! my gudness! how can u even face urself wen u do all these?? and how can u STILL drag ur feet to that prayer-building of urs?! asking for forgiveness everytime? yet keep committing it? wad?! and how can u buy something with tat kinda 'income' and felt AS IF u've earned it? and how can u be asking to be 'fed' wen it is already ur responsibility and ur job to get that project done?! u ARE paid to work! y do u need to be 'extra paid'?!!!! dont even bother to fast la esp during those months! useless! dont even bother praying to ur god with ur pockets full of DIRTS! u disgust me! :-/

i must be crazy or maybe im just tooo naive, i duno. but still, im feeling worse than ... i duno. all i know is, i am very very fed up. and dissapointed today... :-( arrgh!